These past few weeks have been a poignant reminder of the complexities that come with age and gender, particularly as I find myself juggling the demands of family, work, and the emotional weight of caregiving. My gran-in-law has been hospitalised, and as her next of kin, I’ve been making frequent trips to the hospital. This situation alone is enough to stir a whirlwind of emotions, but it coincided with half-term for my children and looming deadlines at work. The pressure has been ridiculous, and it has forced me to confront the realities of my current stage in life. Welcome to middle-age.
Now, to stop the complete overwhelm, let’s break down all of those heavy things we are carrying. In fact, let’s put them down rather than break down. As my supervisor used to say, “there is always a minute” so let’s take one. So go on, put all of those heavy bags on the floor. Take them from your back and shoulders… breath…. The floor can hold it…. Feel the lightness for just one minute.
Right. Shall we start with motherhood? Okay.
When my children were babies, I thought it would get easier as they got older. In some ways this is true. I am not up through the night anymore, they can make themselves a snack and walk to school. But emotionally, the load is as big as ever. We are now managing intense peer relationships, pressure from school and hormones (bless their hormones!). We are also navigating how to be together in a more independent way. We are figuring out how to love each other in a space where we are not always physically together. And with this, we, as mothers, start to think about the empty space left behind. The attachment we feel towards our children is profound, yet as they begin to assert their independence, we are left to reevaluate our own needs and desires.
To complicate things further, in today’s world, many women are choosing to have children later in life. While this allows us to establish our careers and gain life experience, it also means that as our children grow, our parents are aging simultaneously. This dual responsibility can feel like a balancing act on a tightrope, where one misstep could lead to a fall. Society’s and our family’s expectations are that women should do the caring. However, the same expectations are also telling us that we have to work and have our own lives. With the rising cost of living, more women are entering the workforce out of necessity. While there are more opportunities for women to pursue careers than ever before, the support systems in place often lag behind. Many workplaces still operate under outdated models that do not accommodate the unique challenges women face, particularly those who are balancing caregiving responsibilities. Meanwhile, men often continue with their careers, largely unaffected by the same pressures. I mean, did you see recently in a vote for the US congress, a Congresswoman (https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cn48z5q28vyo) was not allowed to vote from her home even though she had just given birth. Congresswoman Petterson ended up taking a plane journey to the vote and did so with her baby in her arms. Petterson was being penalised for her biological differences. I wonder, how many CongressMEN have missed a vote due to their biological differences? How many women, in all roles, have missed opportunities because of period pain, hormonal migraines, being home with a baby or sick child? I don’t have the actual stats here but an educated guess will say most of us.
Going back to the challenges of being middle-aged, I have noticed an increase in the media reporting on the disgruntlement of this time of life. I found this graph which shows how our levels of life satisfaction changes as we age:
The depressing thought here is that according to this graph, I am not even properly middle-aged yet (please send help ;-)). And what is it that changes after this point in life? Something seems to happen to our capacity and sense of freedom. Older women tell me about feeling a release after middle-age where they care less about the opinions of others and more about what they want. I certainly see it too - in work, in my parents, in society. I am left wondering if it gets better because we are not caring for others so intensely. This makes me sad as at the moment; my children are my world and soon they will not be here all the time. And here is the loop back to identity…. For years before I was a mother, I was Rachel. Before we became middle-aged and hormonal, we were young women. Perhaps the freedom that comes with passing through middle-age is reclaiming who we once were and finding new parts of us, all in the framework of the gravity of our experiences of being a mother and a woman.
As I navigate this challenging time, I’ve become increasingly aware of my “window of tolerance.” This term refers to the optimal zone of arousal where we can function effectively. When we are in our window, we feel calm, content, we can think and feel effectively. When life’s stresses push us beyond this window, we can feel overwhelmed, anxious, or even shut down. There will always be times when we are pushed out of the window, so to speak, and the task becomes to find ways to get us back in there. So whilst we are here together, think of some things that you can do when you feel overwhelmed….. Walking, talking, hydrating, sleeping, creating…. I like the idea of having Five Mind Apples each day. These are five things we can do to feel well (mine often includes a gin, some sunshine and some book reading). I always suggest naming your Mind Apples and writing them down somewhere you look often. Remind yourself every day that these five things will keep you in your window of tolerance, even when you don’t feel like it.
Now, we need to get back to it, women, and find those heavy bags again. Do you need to pick them all up? Can someone help? What can we keep for another day? And as you reflect on your heavy load, you might see that life is not just about managing responsibilities; it’s also about self-discovery. The attachment I have to my children and my gran-in-law is profound, yet it prompts me to ask: What do I need during this time? How can I ensure that I am not only present for my family but also for myself? In the midst of caregiving, work deadlines, and the emotional toll of watching over an ill loved one, it’s crucial to carve out moments for self-care and reflection. This week has taught me that acknowledging our age and gender is not just about recognising the challenges we face; it’s also about embracing the strength we possess to navigate them.
As we move forward, let’s continue to support one another in this journey. Whether it’s through sharing experiences, advocating for better workplace policies, or simply being there for each other, we can create a community that uplifts and empowers women at every stage of life. After all, we are all in this together, navigating the beautiful, messy, and often challenging music of life.
“The circles of women around us weave nets of love that carry us when we’re weak and sing with us when we are strong”. SARK.
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